Women, Wargaming, and Tony Cottrell's Comments

I've been debating writing this post for some time.  I wasn't present at the now infamous Necromunda seminar at the recent Horus Heresy and Necromunda Weekender in which Tony Cottrell of Forge World was reported to have made a misogynistic joke.  Like so many of Games Workshop's customers, I am also a white man.  I do consider myself to be a feminist, but I've never experienced life from a female perspective, so, while I certainly try, I do sometimes get feminism wrong by misinterpreting what I hear and see about the experiences of women.
Those are the reasons I thought I wouldn't write anything about this.
The reason that I decided to write it anyway is that, bumbling and not-quite-right though this post may be, I want to add my voice to the small but growing number of women in the Games Workshop hobby who deserve to have a safe space to play with toy soldiers just as much as the vast numbers of men who, like me, have used the hobby as a refuge from bullying, stereotypical expectations of what boys and men "should" do, etc.
People ask me why I consider myself a feminist, expecting me to say that I'm married to a woman (I am), that I have a sister (I do), that I have a daughter (I do), etc.  But those answers are really rooted in the patriarchal idea of men protecting helpless women, and, in general, I don't think most of the adult women in my life need any kind of protection from me.  In the end, I'm a feminist because women and girls are people, and they deserve to define themselves and to feel secure in social situations just as much as I do.

Mr. Cottrell's Comment
With that preamble, you may think that this post is one demanding that Tony Cottrell be dismissed immediately, and that all female gamers be provided with a voucher to Forge World for the emotional distress he caused.  That's not at all the case.
So far as I can tell, Mr. Cottrell may have said something that could be construed as reinforcing old, tired, and unsupported stereotypes of women.  The quote doing the rounds changes in the telling, but they all use the words "exotic" and "vindictive" and imply that those are qualities that are near-universal in women.  The initial quote is hard to get at because the site that reported it removed the post and instead posted this apology, which is interesting.
There's a lot of conflicting reports floating around, and an exact quote or recording has yet to surface.  I do very firmly believe that a person should be innocent until proven guilty, and the evidence that Mr. Cottrell's comments were intentionally rude or hurtful is slim at best.  Unless a recording exists that proves that such a comment was made or detailed, firsthand accounts surface, I do not believe that Mr. Cottrell should lose his job.  Is it likely that he said something without thinking how it might be interpreted and/or subsequently portrayed? Probably. Did he actually say what was quoted in the now-deleted blog post?  Based on the posted apology, it seems he did not (though I'd certainly accept the account of someone present at the seminar that goes against my conclusion).
Maybe I'm getting it wrong or missing the point, but I would hope that if somebody blogged about a supposed racist tirade I made, my employer would seek some evidence that such a thing a happened before sacking me (and I should say, for the record, that such a tirade has never been made by me).

The Problem as I See It
My biggest problem with this whole debacle is that we are participating in a hobby in which reports of a misogynistic joke are met with expectation rather than disbelief.  "Of course somebody made a misogynistic joke at a Warhammer event." "With the way the few female miniatures the company produces are portrayed, it's no wonder they'd have that attitude." etc., etc.  To me, whether or not the comment was made is beside the point, but the fact that so few gamers (and non-gamers) were shocked or surprised by the reports is a problem.
Games Workshop, to their credit, were moving their advertising and community outreach in a significantly more gender-diverse direction even before the advent of the #metoo movement, and the artwork of female troopers in the latest Codex: Astra Militarum was, frankly, a breath of fresh air.  Forge World also posted an immediate apology on their Facebook page after the initial post surfaced - they didn't "play defense", deny the claim (even though the initial report was retracted), or try to justify it - they simply apologized and stated that they have a commitment to inclusivity, which is, in my opinion, the very best thing they could have done given the circumstances.
That said, the hobby is still dominated by men, and I know from my own experience that many of those men openly express views on women (and other groups) that are abhorrent.  I also know from my own experience that we, myself included, allow these expressions to be aired far too often.  I have sat silently as I heard the wargamer at a nearby table refer to Sisters of Battle as every derogatory term you can imagine, ranting about women in general and explaining, in detail, a scenario in which they are all raped and mutilated.
Some of you are probably trying to justify that behaviour now, "War isn't pretty." you may say, or "He was only discussing models, not actual people!"  To me, it doesn't matter.  I was a coward and didn't say anything, but I wish that I had.  I hope that girls and women everywhere can choose to participate in these games without having to listen to that kind of verbal abuse, whether it be directed at them or at miniature representations of women; I hope that women and girls will be able to attend game nights, if they choose to, without once being told to "make a sandwich" or being subjected to innuendo or unwanted sexual advances.  It's the 21st Century, after all, and that's really setting the bar very, very low.

Diversity is Good for the Game
I would hope that most wargamers feel that the fact that women wargamers are human beings and are as passionate about the hobby as they are is enough to welcome them, maybe not with open arms (as an embrace might be a bit too personal and/or not respect boundaries), but with a warm and respectful handshake.  If the humanness and passion of female wargamers is not enough for you, I hope it doesn't come as too big a shock to learn that women are just over 50% of the global population.  That's pretty significant.  If Games Workshop wants to increase sales of their products, it really doesn't make sense to ostracize half of their potential customers right off the bat.
Most players that I know lament the loss of Squats, Bretonnians, Tomb Kings, and the demise of games like Mordheim and Battlefleet Gothic, and I am with them in their lamentations!  Those were great factions and great games!  The interesting thing is that more customers and more diverse customers lead to more diversity in factions and in games.  If more people are buying Games Workshop products, that gives Games Workshop more leeway to take risks, and provides more potential players for the factions and games that currently seem too niche or too risky to release.  So, if you want more factions and more games, more diversity in the customer base can only help, and it would seem that the company is headed that way regardless of how you might feel about it.
That said, there are still major problems with representation in the game.  While more female miniatures are being released (some of them are even fully clothed and/or are wearing sensible armour!), other groups are not represented at all or are reduced to problematic stereotypes.  That's a topic for another day, but it is definitely something to be mindful of.

So What's the Solution?
Solutions are never easy.  I play with a fairly tight-knit group of friends mostly at private residences, in part to avoid the so-called "neck-beard" wargamers and those awkward situations I have already briefly described, so I don't have a lot of direct interactions with other gamers outside my own well-vetted and accepting group.  In most of my group's house rules, when we bother to document them, the first rule is generally "Don't be a wanker*," and that 'rule' is a requirement of any person that I face across a wargames table.  So I think that is the primary point I hope to make in my rant - be considerate of others and don't just assume that their experience and preferences are going to be the same as yours - recognize that just because something doesn't bother you, that doesn't mean it isn't incredibly hurtful to somebody else.
I should also say that I do not believe for an instant that the "neck-beard" stereotype represents anything approaching a significant percentage of miniature wargamers, and I find it very unfortunate that it has become shorthand for wargamers in general.
If, like me, you find the unwashed and awkward stereotype to not be representative of the hobby, then I think we all may have a slight inkling of what women and minorities who participate in the hobby might go through.  We have the benefit of being able to put aside our gamer identities if it suits us (e.g., on a first date, in a job interview), but for so many people the identities around which so many attitudes and stereotypes persist cannot simply be switched off and on, and I can only imagine how tiring it would be if I had to deal with the wargamer stereotypes in every interaction I had with people. ("You play Warhammer? But your complexion is so clear!"  "You buy Games Workshop products?  But your clothes are clean and not all black!")
I'm sure the vast majority of wargamers are capable of feeling empathy and enjoy playing nerdy games with other people regardless of race, sex, gender, sexual orientation, etc., and adding our voices to those of people that don't have much representation in the wargaming community can only help to make the hobby a safe place for all and to attract more people to the games we love.
As for Games Workshop itself, I do hope that they took this opportunity, whether the allegations into Mr. Cottrell's behaviour are founded or not, to further train their staff at all levels and set a very clear expectation for the future.  Forge World's post on Facebook is certainly evidence that the company is taking this seriously, and that, to me, is a good sign for the future.

Conclusions
I was going to end this post with a snarky comment about those who have disparaged or otherwise downplayed the responses of people upon reading reports of the comments made at the seminar; the people who literally ask for those who have dealt with ignorance, mean-spiritedness, and even abuse but have nonetheless persisted in playing with toy soldiers to "go away".  The truth is that I don't want to turn the comment on them and tell them to go away.  I want people to take a moment and imagine what it would be like to have to fight just to stay in the hobby you love - to deal with unfounded stereotypes and actual verbal abuse (not just the in-game banter of two competitors) in a significant portion of the games you play.  It would be horrible.  We all have the opportunity to be the bright spot in somebody's day - to offer the game that reignites someone's passion, imagination, and drive in a culture that might otherwise seem to not want them.
For those gamers that still can't be bothered to even consider why somebody might find reports of stereotype perpetuation and outright misogyny egregious, based on what I've seen in my 20 years in the hobby (and to quote Bob Dylan), "the times, they are a-changin'", and I don't think they're changing in a way you're going to like.

*Wanker is defined as: "A person who masturbates, an idiot, an ineffectual person, someone who is overly self-satisfied."  In this case, it is not meant to discourage masturbaters from playing tabletop wargames (I don't care what you do in private so long as it doesn't harm anyone), but rather as a descriptor for somebody that can't see anyone beyond themselves.  It seems especially appropriate as an opposite-sex-attracted person who is unable to play a basic wargame with a person of the opposite sex seems very unlikely to initiate or maintain romantic relationships.